Welcome to MacTalk Australia

the largest Australian community for Apple discussions and topics

Join the discussions, Register Now!
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 34
  1. #1
    Kzach is offline Banned

    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    533

    Default OMG! Steve worships Satan!

    Jan. 21 (Reuters) -- Steve Jobs Death-bed Confession!

    In a bizarre turn of events, Steve Jobs has confessed to making a pact with Satan. The success of Apple's business has depended on it, he says.

    After an emergency surgery to correct the absence of a beard, caused by a hormonal imbalance, he began quoting dark scripture in a groggy, pain and drug-induced state.

    Before church authorities at St. Luke's Hospital of Missouri had the chance to gag Mr. Jobs and exorcise him, he rambled at length about the sacrifices he had made to his Dark Lord Satan during his two tenures at Apple.

    Realising the jig was up, he made a full confession to a rapt audience, of whom Jesus Diaz was a member. Jesus was quoted as saying, "I always had faith in my sources."

    Steve Jobs went on to explain in detail his many deeds in the name of the Dark Lord, including his need to sacrifice fluffy white bunny rabbits and puppy dogs because the only virgins he could find in California were already working for him.

    "It was hard at first, especially after I came back from my hiatus. For a while, I used to kidnap whoever dared enter an elevator with me, but word got out fast and there's only so many ways you can justify blood spatter," Jobs was quoted as saying.

    Jobs explained that whilst tripping on acid during the '70s, he and Woz received a visitation from Satan himself. Satan apparently offered them a deal to compete with Microsoft and IBM, of whom he was a majority shareholder, in order to "...spread smut and anime to every corner of the globe!"

    Woz refused the offer however Jobs was intrigued. The following day when a strange man introduced himself as Mr. Plissken and offered Jobs an apple, Jobs realised it was a sign from the Devil. The insight led him to naming the company Apple.

    "I used it as a false idol for worship. The tempting apple has suckered millions of devotees. It was quite a savvy business decision even if I do say so myself," Jobs said of the decision to name the company and use an apple as the logo.

    But then disaster struck. When Steve Wozniak found Jobs over the body of a young doe (a deer, a female deer) during a ritual sacrifice, he knew that Jobs had accepted the deal with the Devil and that the company's success was attributed to evil. He took this information to the board of directors who immediately sent for priests to exorcise Steve Jobs from the position of CEO.

    "Everyone thinks it was due to my arrogance and incompetence. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I want everyone to know that," Mr. Jobs stated. He went on to say that the companies success waned in his absence because the board failed to appease the Lord of Hell.

    "I knew what I had to do to retake the helm. I had to form a cult. I approached various individuals such as Al Gore, Phil Schiller, Jonathan Ive, Bill Campbell, Dr. Eric Schmidt, Tim Cook and others and began the long climb, up a hill of sacrifices to Lucifer, to regain control of my company," Steve said. Further ranting in an archaic tongue were indecipherable and Steve had to be taken into intensive care whilst his eyes were rolling back in his head and he spewed green bile.

    After recovering, he continued to say that although he realised he had outed several prominent figures in the business community as being Satan worshipers, that he felt it was time that his brethren unite around the world and finally cast off the yolk of all that is good and humble and right.

    "We will take over the world, of that you can be assured." Al Gore was quoted as saying in response to public pressure to respond to the claims. He further stated, "You'll all be driving eco-friendly cars by the year 2010 now that we are united and can speak out in the open about our agenda."

    Given his near-death experience, Jobs briefly spoke on the matter of an afterlife, and his condemnation to Hell, "It's all good. Lucifer has been impressed with all I have accomplished in his name, so much so that I have a place at his table closer to our Dark Lord than Bill Gates. Bill's totally jealous of that..." Steve cackled, maniacally.

    Mr. Gates declined to comment, stating that he's working on a 'revolutionary' new operating system that will dominate the world market and prove once and for all who is the evilest genius in all the land.

    On the financial front, Apple's stock rose to $666 US. Analysts cite investor confidence in Lucifer's long term strategic vision for the company.

  2. #2
    tcn33's Avatar tcn33 is offline I was saying Boo-urns

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Tecoma, VIC
    Posts
    6,302

    Default


    Click for full size - Uploaded with plasq's Skitch

  3. #3
    dche5390 is offline is a douche

    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    1,051

    Default

    What the frack?

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Northern Beaches , Sydney
    Posts
    2,987

    Default

    Love it.
    I knew it all along.

    Stewie
    Lotsa Macs - PM's , G3's , G4's & Powerbooks - Love 'em
    ----------------

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Melbourne.
    Posts
    659

    Default

    what ever!!
    iphone 4, 16 gig @ $59 Optus cap; | Western Digital 500gig | 13in Macbook Air 2.13 Ghz, 256 gig flash memory, 4 gig of ram, | Bose companion 5; | 1st gen ipod touch; | ipod shuffle;

  6. #6

    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    The Barcelona of The Southern Hemisphere (a.k.a Adelaide)
    Posts
    585

    Default

    As I thought...

    First Charles Montgomery Burns, now Steve Jobs.

    Beelzebub certainly gets around and chooses his targets, doesn't he?
    Just another insomniac in the land of the narcoleptic.
    ---
    //c, SE/30, Powerbook 160, MP2100, MacBook 2006, iMac Core 2 Duo 2010

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    /dev/null
    Posts
    1,267

    Default

    Well the apple ][ did sell for $666.66..
    ,,`,,
    ,,`,,
    ``,,`,,` `
    ,,`,,
    ,,`,,

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    1,607

    Default

    Oh God. I love the spewing green bile part as I bit into a grilled cheese sandwhich.

  9. #9
    Exocet's Avatar Exocet is offline We're gonna need to move you down into storage B.

    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    5,333

    Default

    MmmMMmmmm that's good satire!

  10. #10
    mwot's Avatar mwot is offline Resident conservative

    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    2,743

    Default

    cute.
    twitter :|: mwot MT profile :|: mwot

  11. #11

    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Hades (and/or South Sydney)
    Posts
    615

    Default

    Damn - secrets out!
    President (and only member) of the Hockey Puck and Mighty Mouse Appreciation Society

  12. #12

    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Hobart
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Oh, so that is what the apple logo represents...

    It is the symbol which unlocks the gates of hell.

    YIPEE!
    Life is so much better with the letter 'i' in your depressing existance...
    (T.A.N.T.B.T.S [Don't ask]) Mac beginner
    -iBook
    -iPod Classic 160GB
    -iPod Nano (1st G.) 1Gb

  13. #13
    decryption's Avatar decryption is offline Kenny Powders

    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    St. Albans, Melbourne
    Posts
    22,090

    Default

    haha, nice one
    Did you write it?

  14. #14
    Kzach is offline Banned

    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    533

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by decryption View Post
    haha, nice one
    Did you write it?
    Yeah. I was tired of all the anti-Steve stories going around the net over the last few months. And now with the whole SEC investigation I got kinda pissed. Where's the investigation of all the assholes that caused this to be such a fuss in the first place?

    Anyway, I was bored so thought I'd have some fun with it and vent some frustration

  15. #15

    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Canberra
    Posts
    1,869

    Default

    I've forwarded this to my COS here at ABC, watch the news tonight - and then wait for the retraction on Friday!
    Know me before you judge me...

  16. #16

    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Chair from Ikea
    Posts
    2

    Default

    I thought the devil was Microsoft.
    All those that believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

  17. #17

    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
    Posts
    220

    Default

    Hahahahahhhaaa now THIS is GOLDEN!!!!

    I LOVE IT!!!

    *hugs Steve*
    Website | Twitter
    iPhone 4S 13" MBP 21.5" imac 20" iMac iPod touch 4, 2 & 1 AirPort Extreme, Express x2 Lots, lots more

  18. #18
    Goodbye's Avatar Goodbye is offline 【ツ】

    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Sunshine Coast
    Posts
    4,624

  19. #19

    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Townsville, Queensland
    Posts
    935

    Default

    I wonder how many people will take this seriously and start throwing away their iPods/iPhones.

    I wonder if we will see people trying to do an exorcism on his home.

  20. #20

    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    265

    Default

    That makes sense, with the Apple logo being that of the forbidden fruit. They have been tell us for years.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •