Jan. 21 (Reuters) -- Steve Jobs Death-bed Confession!
In a bizarre turn of events, Steve Jobs has confessed to making a pact with Satan. The success of Apple's business has depended on it, he says.
After an emergency surgery to correct the absence of a beard, caused by a hormonal imbalance, he began quoting dark scripture in a groggy, pain and drug-induced state.
Before church authorities at St. Luke's Hospital of Missouri had the chance to gag Mr. Jobs and exorcise him, he rambled at length about the sacrifices he had made to his Dark Lord Satan during his two tenures at Apple.
Realising the jig was up, he made a full confession to a rapt audience, of whom Jesus Diaz was a member. Jesus was quoted as saying, "I always had faith in my sources."
Steve Jobs went on to explain in detail his many deeds in the name of the Dark Lord, including his need to sacrifice fluffy white bunny rabbits and puppy dogs because the only virgins he could find in California were already working for him.
"It was hard at first, especially after I came back from my hiatus. For a while, I used to kidnap whoever dared enter an elevator with me, but word got out fast and there's only so many ways you can justify blood spatter," Jobs was quoted as saying.
Jobs explained that whilst tripping on acid during the '70s, he and Woz received a visitation from Satan himself. Satan apparently offered them a deal to compete with Microsoft and IBM, of whom he was a majority shareholder, in order to "...spread smut and anime to every corner of the globe!"
Woz refused the offer however Jobs was intrigued. The following day when a strange man introduced himself as Mr. Plissken and offered Jobs an apple, Jobs realised it was a sign from the Devil. The insight led him to naming the company Apple.
"I used it as a false idol for worship. The tempting apple has suckered millions of devotees. It was quite a savvy business decision even if I do say so myself," Jobs said of the decision to name the company and use an apple as the logo.
But then disaster struck. When Steve Wozniak found Jobs over the body of a young doe (a deer, a female deer) during a ritual sacrifice, he knew that Jobs had accepted the deal with the Devil and that the company's success was attributed to evil. He took this information to the board of directors who immediately sent for priests to exorcise Steve Jobs from the position of CEO.
"Everyone thinks it was due to my arrogance and incompetence. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I want everyone to know that," Mr. Jobs stated. He went on to say that the companies success waned in his absence because the board failed to appease the Lord of Hell.
"I knew what I had to do to retake the helm. I had to form a cult. I approached various individuals such as Al Gore, Phil Schiller, Jonathan Ive, Bill Campbell, Dr. Eric Schmidt, Tim Cook and others and began the long climb, up a hill of sacrifices to Lucifer, to regain control of my company," Steve said. Further ranting in an archaic tongue were indecipherable and Steve had to be taken into intensive care whilst his eyes were rolling back in his head and he spewed green bile.
After recovering, he continued to say that although he realised he had outed several prominent figures in the business community as being Satan worshipers, that he felt it was time that his brethren unite around the world and finally cast off the yolk of all that is good and humble and right.
"We will take over the world, of that you can be assured." Al Gore was quoted as saying in response to public pressure to respond to the claims. He further stated, "You'll all be driving eco-friendly cars by the year 2010 now that we are united and can speak out in the open about our agenda."
Given his near-death experience, Jobs briefly spoke on the matter of an afterlife, and his condemnation to Hell, "It's all good. Lucifer has been impressed with all I have accomplished in his name, so much so that I have a place at his table closer to our Dark Lord than Bill Gates. Bill's totally jealous of that..." Steve cackled, maniacally.
Mr. Gates declined to comment, stating that he's working on a 'revolutionary' new operating system that will dominate the world market and prove once and for all who is the evilest genius in all the land.
On the financial front, Apple's stock rose to $666 US. Analysts cite investor confidence in Lucifer's long term strategic vision for the company.